Hey there

A lady, 24 years old, status: jobless.

I have a fiancee, he is an ideal man, he is smart, he is tall and definitely with a good looking. I can't say he is perfect but he is an awesome man, to me, at least. Having a relationship with this ideal man, stress me out to hell, sometimes, maybe most of the times. It is like riding a roller coaster, you can't see what is in front of you, never.

Well, we fight, sometimes. He goes mad everytime, I cry, most of the time. We apologize to each other. I left no more pride in front of him, no more confident, no more me. I never meet his expectations, what he wants, not even one time in his eyes, this really freaking me out.

I can tell, this is the first time how much I fall in love and fall deeply. I put so much effort to build up this, make a better us but seem it doesn't work out. I try, I tried my best to do whatever he wishes, whatever he said. I'm so tired and feel to giving up all the time, but I can't. I really can't move out from his life.

I'm pretty sure many bitches out of there trying to play a trick, break the trust between us to be with this ideal man. Anyway, they did it pretty good cause he rather trust them instead of me. I even have a thought, he actually deserve better, he can have a pretty awesome, smart lady, which is much better than me, bloody selfish, stupid and useless and this is what he said to me. I believe it be will no difficult for him to get someone like I said.

Yes, he likes freedom, he likes space, likes to have some new friends and he likes someone's else child.
At the same times, I believe he fall in love again. I'm so depress and upset, how could he can likes someone's child but not my baby. And yes, he will goes mad once again those bitches out there find out this article and send it to him. It's okay, doesn't matter as I don't even know how many girls is waiting for this ideal man.

I trust you, but I just don't trust myself anymore. Remember the first time we met, you said I'm smart, I'm pretty and you like me because I'm confident. I remember how we make fun to the people surrounding us, share a joke, we don't need our phone, because we have each other.

I barely even know who I am now, you don't really talk to me anymore, you rather talk to someone's else, someone that you will miss. Pointing me and scold you're stupid is like the common ways you talk to me since you are back. Everything had changed, upside down.

There is something no one knows about it, not even you. I ever thought I've psychology problem. Depression chasing me, no cure. I feel hurt, I feel pain, it haunt me every night, it comes non-stop. I cries with no reason, cut myself and think to end it up, my life.

It was a wonderful times I've spent with you almost two years times. You're a perfect man but I wasn't an ideal girl for you. I really love you, too much. I have to go and find out who I am and be a better person you would fall in love with me, one day.