Terrible

4/10/2014 (Saturday)

I believe everything's come with a reason.

I believe every lie between this word.

I was happy and sad at the same time when I heard you're coming back on next Monday because I miss you so much. But when you told me that your project is cancel, I really don't know what to say.

I don't know what is happening but I know I shouldn't ask too much. The only thing I can do is, say something sweet to you, didn't know it will make you better or worse.

Babe, hope you really doing fine as I understand it is going to be a hard time for you to go through.

No matter what's happen, I always support you.

Like I said, you're an awesome husband, nothing easily beat you down. :)

Hey there

A lady, 24 years old, status: jobless.

I have a fiancee, he is an ideal man, he is smart, he is tall and definitely with a good looking. I can't say he is perfect but he is an awesome man, to me, at least. Having a relationship with this ideal man, stress me out to hell, sometimes, maybe most of the times. It is like riding a roller coaster, you can't see what is in front of you, never.

Well, we fight, sometimes. He goes mad everytime, I cry, most of the time. We apologize to each other. I left no more pride in front of him, no more confident, no more me. I never meet his expectations, what he wants, not even one time in his eyes, this really freaking me out.

I can tell, this is the first time how much I fall in love and fall deeply. I put so much effort to build up this, make a better us but seem it doesn't work out. I try, I tried my best to do whatever he wishes, whatever he said. I'm so tired and feel to giving up all the time, but I can't. I really can't move out from his life.

I'm pretty sure many bitches out of there trying to play a trick, break the trust between us to be with this ideal man. Anyway, they did it pretty good cause he rather trust them instead of me. I even have a thought, he actually deserve better, he can have a pretty awesome, smart lady, which is much better than me, bloody selfish, stupid and useless and this is what he said to me. I believe it be will no difficult for him to get someone like I said.

Yes, he likes freedom, he likes space, likes to have some new friends and he likes someone's else child.
At the same times, I believe he fall in love again. I'm so depress and upset, how could he can likes someone's child but not my baby. And yes, he will goes mad once again those bitches out there find out this article and send it to him. It's okay, doesn't matter as I don't even know how many girls is waiting for this ideal man.

I trust you, but I just don't trust myself anymore. Remember the first time we met, you said I'm smart, I'm pretty and you like me because I'm confident. I remember how we make fun to the people surrounding us, share a joke, we don't need our phone, because we have each other.

I barely even know who I am now, you don't really talk to me anymore, you rather talk to someone's else, someone that you will miss. Pointing me and scold you're stupid is like the common ways you talk to me since you are back. Everything had changed, upside down.

There is something no one knows about it, not even you. I ever thought I've psychology problem. Depression chasing me, no cure. I feel hurt, I feel pain, it haunt me every night, it comes non-stop. I cries with no reason, cut myself and think to end it up, my life.

It was a wonderful times I've spent with you almost two years times. You're a perfect man but I wasn't an ideal girl for you. I really love you, too much. I have to go and find out who I am and be a better person you would fall in love with me, one day.

Story behind

When you realise that you are not the only one..

The only person that make him laugh like a kid.
The only one he will hold his phone until he fall sleep..
The only one stay his awake no matter how tired..
The only one he cares about..
The only he will do anything for you as long as you happy..

But Im not the one anymore..

He got new friends, and I have no idea who are they..
One by one, different name..

He is so happy when message come from her..
And Im just a gf, I have no right to ask anything..
He said he got the freedom to chat with anyone he wants and I shouldnt bother anything about him..

He rather leave me alone and go out chat with her..
And what for Im staying here to be a trouble maker..

Who am I?

Hi, there?

Im Tracy, but I dont know myself anymore..

I hurt myself, even try to cut myself..
I cry for nonsense. I jealous for nothing..
When I look at the mirror, I dont know who is that..
It wasnt myself..

I look at the eyes, there is no one..

I want to cry, loudly..
But I wasnt allow to be..

I want to suicide..
But I find no reason..

I being ridiculous all the time..
Who am I?

I want myself back..

Trust

What a long day, same old day.

He wasn't here, had a dinner with friend.
Talk about guy. I means "my current bf, her old bf".

Just some small talks, bad thing, good thing.

Building a relationship is just not simple as my thought.
Living together even harder to protect a "good relationship".
But, it's a process, isn't?

Lies cover the truth, truth take over the trust, trust ruin a relationship.
Make it simple, there's no more call "privacy".

I'm just a human, I bleed when I fall, I cried when I sad.
But seem, I no longer myself.

I put up with all the truth, I choose to believe those sweet stories.

Please, prove me that I have no wrong to trust you.

Quite "sometimes"

A long HI,

I leave here quite sometimes, not a day, not a month, but I realise, it's 2 years.
2 years, 365 + 365 days = 730 days. How did I survived for past 2 years.

2013, it been a tough year, happy to tell this year is going to end soon, so soon.
Few stories, one tragedy.

Tracy, an ordinary girl, fall in love with a guy, his name Joshua.


Thats' a story behind, few of my close friends tell the truth, that I'm changed.
I understand, I reaslise, but I deny. Changes is never been easy, and changes push me back.

*I always said, never love a person more than yourself, even it is, never tell the person how much you loves him/her.
*I always said, never hurt yourself, even you love him/her so much, it doesn't worth it.
*I always said, never cry so hard, even you love him/her so much, you can be such a loser in their's eyes.
*I always said, never be serious, once you serious, you no longer yourself.


People think that I'm smart; people think that I'm strong; and people think I'm confidence.
But right now, we all know, I'm no longer smart, strong and confidence.

In others word, I'm such a loser. Why? I did everything that "I always said "NEVER".

*I tell him, how much I love him, more than myself.
*I hurt myself, because of arguments, ever think of suicide.
*I cried so hard, don't even know what's the reason.
*I being that serious, until I lost myself.

In other ways, I can be so mean and cruel, walk away, when I found out you're interesting with those girls who married which you keep denying.

You blame me for no trust, unreasonable jealousy, and brainless blindy judge you based on your female friends.

I have no idea how many times we argue for this statement, but end up no solution.
I clearly understand that's only one solution, either I accept or fucked off, right?

Happy last Friday in 2013 :)

Nothing at all

Looking around.. Left to right Right to left.
Ohhh.. I feel sleepy.. Hehe..

Good Night everyone
LOVE YOU YOU YOU YOU AND YOU! :D